Washington D.C.—
According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump is threatening to remove federal holiday status from Thanksgiving and Christmas if he loses the election to Joe Biden.
“Trump is furious about the polls showing Joe Biden leading in all the swing states, and posing a serious threat in Georgia and even Texas,” explained a Trump staffer, who requested anonymity to discuss the internal deliberations of the campaign. “He keeps yelling at us to ‘run the numbers again,’ but the results of published polls don’t change, you know? The problem is that not everyone is honest with Trump. Ivanka and Jared Kushner invented a fake poll company a few months back they call ‘Genius Polls,’ and they’ve been printing out little graphs they make from Microsoft Word templates showing Trump with a 93% approval rating, and electoral maps that purportedly show Trump winning every state except California and New York. All the states he’s allegedly winning have smiley faces in them, and New York and California have frowning faces. Ivanka and Jared bring him a new set of ‘Genius’ polls and maps every afternoon after lunch with a big bowl of ice cream he eats while they read him gratuitously supportive tweets from his Twitter fans. The whole ordeal has a very North Korean aesthetic to it. But it actually mellows Trump out quite a bit between his morning tantrums while watching recorded cable news shows from the day before, and his evening tantrums while perusing what journalists and other politicians are saying about him on Twitter. The favorable polls have soothed Trump’s temper and helped prevent some real crazy ideas. But they’ve also given him worrying delusions of personal grandeur, and any time Trump sees Jared and Ivanka coming into his office with the ice cream and the new batch of electoral maps he gets excited kind of like a dog does, and bounces up and down in his chair clapping his little hands together forgetting all about the mean pundits on CNN and MSNBC. But the truth about his unpopularity has finally caught up to him because even Fox News now is acknowledging his serious election deficits. And Trump is furious because he genuinely thinks his approval rating fell from 93% to 42% since the first debate. He’s so pissed off at what he views as America’s betrayal that he has threatened several times to remove the designation of ‘federal holiday’ for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. He says if America doesn’t reelect him that Americans deserve coal for Christmas. He told some of us staffers the other day that if he loses he’ll have to spend Christmas packing all his stuff to move to Russia, so why should anyone else get to celebrate the holiday if he can’t?”
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