Washington D.C.—
According to State Department officials, Ivanka Trump was awarded some two dozen trademarks associated with a future 2024 presidential candidacy.
The trademarks were awarded by the governments of Russia and China, however, Ms. Trump refuses to say definitively that she will be running for president next election.
“The trademarks do not mean I am running,” explained Ivanka to reporters after a White House “Women In the Work Place” event she hosted. “It’s so far in the future that I can’t say for sure if I’ll run. Besides, both of my brothers are thinking about running, so I’ll have to quietly sideline them first. We can’t have all the Trump kids running at the same time, or it will split the white nationalist vote in the primaries, and then some other non-Trump Republican will win. Like Ted Cruz. Ew, I just threw up in my mouth. But I’m launching an exploratory committee for a presidential run, and things are going great. My committee has explored many interesting facts about my brothers. For instance, did you know that Don Jr. suspiciously never blinks in the advertisement videos he films for our dad’s campaign? I’d ask myself why if I were a Republican primary voter. I’d maybe wonder about drug-testing him. And did you know that Eric lost all his money last year thinking he’d get rich helping out a supposed Nigerian prince who sent him a fishing message on Facebook? That wasn’t very presidential of him, was it? But my exploratory committee is doing some great work finding all the great reasons why I’d make the perfect next president. And everyone knows I’ll be getting my dad’s endorsement, of course. All I have to do is send him a photo of my bra strap and he’ll give me anything I want.”
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