Mitch McConnell Says As Token Of Bipartisanship He’ll Let Biden Confirm One Federal Judge

Washington D.C.—

Current Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says if Republicans keep majority power in the Senate he hopes he can work together with Joe Biden despite a divided government.

Georgia is currently expected to hold two runoff elections, and control of the Senate hangs in the balance. If Democrats win both seats, the Senate would be divided 50-50 with a tie-breaker vote wielded by Kamala Harris, otherwise Republicans will keep a narrow majority.

“I believe Joe Biden and I will be able to work together,” McConnell told reporters this morning. “And, as a token of my congratulations for his victory as well as a Republican peace offering in the name of bipartisanship, I will allow Joe Biden the opportunity to appoint one federal judge in his term as President. No Supreme Court justices, though. There will be no new Supreme Court justices in Biden’s term. I have paid dearly for the conservative majority on the Supreme Court selling my soul and pledging eternal allegiance to the Dark Lord Satan, and I do not intend to give it up. I don’t care if a meteor strikes Earth and obliterates all nine Supreme Court justices, we will just have to settle with having zero Supreme Court judges until either a Republican president wins, or Democrats can manage to pry the Senate’s majority from my dead, cold, purple hands. …Or if Joe Biden can somehow procure a Galápagos tortoise from the government of Ecuador for me. I am only willing to trade a Supreme Court seat for a pet Galápagos tortoise. Then my turtle collection would be complete.”

More from The Halfway Post vault:

Leaked GOP Memo Outlines Strategy To Pretend Trump Never Happened If Biden Wins

Donald Trump Is Suing Every Biden Voter For $5 Billion Each For “Damages To His Brand”

Trump Suspiciously Just Mandated Federal Prisons Serve “Big Mac Mondays” And “Filet-O-Fish Fridays”

Republicans Are Privately Begging Democrats Not To Be As Selfish In Gerrymandering As They Were In 2010

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!