Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump is not handling his election loss maturely, and has launched a series of frivolous lawsuits alleging fraud without evidence in a strategy political pundits have described as throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks.
Mr. Trump is officially the sorest loser in modern presidential history, and is the second sorest loser of all American history following President Grover Cleveland, who, after losing reelection to Benjamin Harrison, mailed his feces to the White House twice a week for four years until he won his second, nonconsecutive presidency.
However, President Donald Trump has offered a solution to the election controversy only he is stoking: flipping a coin. President Trump offered to use a commemorative coin his campaign had minted a couple years ago for campaign fundraising purposes depicting his meeting with Kim Jong Un of North Korea.
Conservative media outlets from Fox News to Breitbart immediately endorsed the idea, and Trump tweeted about it earlier today:
“Just like I made peace with North Korea, I will make peace in America! I’m the real winner of the Electoral College and popular vote because of all the fraudulent mail-in ballots Democrats faked, but for the good of the country I will agree to whatever outcome the coin toss decides!”
“So what do you say, Sleepy Joe? You can’t cheat in a coin toss with all your illegal immigrant voters! Meet me at the White House at high noon tomorrow, and we’ll flip for America. I call heads! (No looking at the coin before or after we flip.) MAGA!”
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