Washington D.C.—
The Republican National Committee has placed several Craigslist ads in major political market cities looking for rare Republicans interested in running for Congressional office who do not belong to any neo-nazi or KKK groups.
The priority states in which the GOP is searching for candidates, at the moment, include New Mexico, to run against Joe Arpaio who has bragged about running his jails like “concentration camps’; and Illinois, to run against Arthur Jones, an avowed anti-semite and Holocaust denier; but Republican officials are also planning for the worst in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and West Virginia.
Georgia is a wildcard state, in which the state Republican Party typically nominates non-racists, but, a few elections ago, the Peach State did see the Republican candidacy of Neal Horsley, who admitted that he had pursued a sexual relationship with a farm mule.
“Look, as much as I hate to say it, we have a problem,” explained RNC Chief Coordinating Officer Keith Salmson. “All across the country the people our party has tended to inspire to run for office have a lot of baggage as candidates. A lot. We just have too many theocratic goat-humpers, anti-abortion adulterers who pay for their mistresses’ abortions, homophobic homosexuals, neo-nazi skinheads, Alt-Right Nazis, gold standard economic hermits, nihilistic libertarians, sexually-repressed evangelicals, and rich trust-fund baby douches. It pains me to say this, but the large majority of our impassioned Republicans are just downright unelectable and, possibly, clinically insane. So these Craigslist ads are pretty much our last ditch effort to field quality candidates and convince them to run in time to make a difference in our primaries. We’re offering cash incentives, campaign bonuses, anything we can think of to get normal people to start getting involved in Republican politics.”
Other Republicans wonder if the GOP has just turned too radical to salvage the party’s reputation.
“We’ve had a rough few years,” explained Republican strategist Steve Bremmond. “With crazy candidates. Can we stop and think about how Michele Bachmann was at one time a frontrunner for our presidential nomination? Michele Bachmann, the lady who asks God if she has His permission to tie her shoes in the morning. Herman Cain was once a frontrunner. Rick Santorum finished second in our 2012 primary. Ted Cruz was the last #NeverTrump candidate. Ted Cruz. Everybody hates Ted Cruz! And don’t even get me started on Donald freaking Trump. How much lower in the gutter can our party go? Maybe we should all just jump ship and start a new party in which we won’t win but at least we will be doing our responsible, patriotic duty in stopping Trump from inflicting more damage on our democracy. This guy Arthur Jones, though, down in Illinois. Wow. That guy is unopposed. The RNC will literally give anyone who isn’t a nazi $100,000 to jump in now and stop that guy from winning our primary.”
If you want to run for office as a Republican, now might be your moment.
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