The Top 10 Medical Cures For COVID-19 Donald Trump Has Endorsed

Washington D.C.—

The following are medical cures President Donald Trump has endorsed from his coronavirus press conference podium, followed by quotes he has said about them:

  1. Lysol: “Lysol is a beautiful product, tremendous product. There are many ways you can kill COVID with Lysol. There’s injection into your veins, you can huff it for several hours, you can mix it into any liquor during happy hour, or you can pour some into your palms and rinse your eyes with it. Great disinfectant.”
  2. Adderall: “I snort Adderall every day, and I haven’t gotten coronavirus. Dr. Fauci says my Adderall cure is only correlation at best, not causation, but it’s worth a shot, right?”
  3. Drano: “People have been seeing some great results from taking a kitchen funnel, lying on the ground on your back with your legs lifted up to angle your butthole straight toward the ceiling, putting the funnel into your exposed anus, and then pouring Drano inside. They say you have to keep pouring till it comes out your mouth.”
  4. Fake tanning: “Another thing I do every day. Maybe it works, maybe not. But if you look great and have a healthy glow like I do, you’ll start feeling better. People say my tan is even sexier than Jack Kennedy’s tan.”
  5. Autoerotic asphyxiation: “My executive aide Stephen Miller was telling me about this one. He says he was feeling some of the COVID symptoms, but that choking himself out cured him. He said he used to get himself off by choking other people, but, since social distancing has started, he’s had to get creative by himself.”
  6. No exercise: “Why exercise and waste your energy? You have a finite supply of it in your life, and you need all the energy you can get to fight off COVID. That’s why I spend most of my day in bed watching Fox News and tweeting congratulatory tweets to Fox show hosts for recognizing how amazing I am. It’s also why I golf every three days. I don’t want to play a real sport and unnecessarily sacrifice my valuable energy!”
  7. Lindsey Graham massaging your back: “I don’t know if this has anything to do with my immune system, but every day Lindsey Graham massages my back for 45 minutes. I like to make him grovel at my feet for fifteen minutes first, and apologize for all the nasty things he said about me before I got the Republican nomination. And before Russia hacked everyone in the Republican Party’s private emails and sent them to me. All while I whip him on the back with my belt. It might be a placebo effect, but it makes me feel great.”
  8. An exclusive diet of fast food: “If you eat a lot of fast food, the grease coats your internal tubes, and your veins and arteries are too slippery for the coronavirus to sneak up and latch on anywhere. It’s like trying to walk on a freshly waxed floor with socks.”
  9. Urine baths: “A lot of people don’t know this, but urine is sterile. It’s a real cleanse to take a bath full of pee. The Steele Dossier pee tape was totally fake, but I think Steele may have been on to something.”
  10. Trump campaign donations: “If you donate $100 or more to my 2020 campaign, I guarantee that God will never let you get infected with coronavirus!”

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