The Top 10 Medical Cures For COVID-19 Donald Trump Has Endorsed

Washington D.C.—

The following are medical cures President Donald Trump has endorsed from his coronavirus press conference podium, followed by quotes he has said about them:

  1. Lysol: “Lysol is a beautiful product, tremendous product. There are many ways you can kill COVID with Lysol. There’s injection into your veins, you can huff it for several hours, you can mix it into any liquor during happy hour, you can pour some into your palms and rinse your eyes with it. Great disinfectant.”
  2. Adderall: “I snort Adderall every day and I haven’t gotten coronavirus. Dr. Fauci says my Adderall cure is only correlation at best, not causation, but it’s worth a shot, right?”
  3. Drano: “People have been seeing some great results from taking a kitchen funnel, lying on the ground on your back with your legs lifted up to angle your butthole straight toward the ceiling, putting the funnel into your exposed anus, and then pouring Drano inside. They say you have to keep pouring till it comes out your mouth.”
  4. Fake tanning: “Another thing I do every day. Maybe it works, maybe not. But if you look great and have a healthy glow like I do, you’ll start feeling better. People say my tan is even sexier than John Kennedy’s tan.”
  5. Autoerotic asphyxiation: “My executive aide Stephen Miller was telling me about this one. He says he was feeling some of the COVID symptoms, but that choking himself out cured him. He said he used to get himself off by choking other people, but since social distancing has started he’s had to get creative by himself.”
  6. No exercise: “Why exercise and waste your energy? You have a finite supply of it in your life, and you need all the energy you can get to fight off COVID. That’s why I spend most of my day in bed watching Fox News and tweeting congratulatory tweets to Fox show hosts for recognizing how amazing I am. It’s for national security. It’s also why I golf every three days. I don’t want to play a real sport and unnecessarily sacrifice my valuable energy!”
  7. Lindsey Graham massaging your feet: “I don’t know if this has anything to do with my immune system, but every day Lindsey Graham massages my feet for 45 minutes.”
  8. An exclusive diet of fast food: “If you eat a lot of fast food, the grease coats your internal tubes, and your veins and arteries are too slippery for the coronavirus to sneak in anywhere. It’s like walking on a freshly waxed floor with socks. You can’t do it.”
  9. Urine baths: “A lot of people don’t know this, but urine is sterile. It’s a real cleanse to take a bath full of pee.”
  10. Trump campaign donations: “If you donate $100 or more to my 2020 campaign, I guarantee that God will never let you get infected with coronavirus!”

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