Heaven—
The Halfway Post caught up with God, and discussed the recent pestilence and weather phenomena to which He, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to subject the United States.
“I could not be more furious with My Evangelical Christian supporters,” God said. “What will it take for them to turn on Trump? First I got Trump impeached, but, I’ll be honest, my omniscience must be fading a bit because I didn’t realize so many Republican senators had completely replaced Me and Jesus with false idol worship of Donald Trump! As you all should know, I have very particular feelings about other Gods coming before Me. They were shown legitimate evidence of Trump’s Constitutional and moral crimes, yet the only Republican to vote for impeachment was Mitt Romney! A Mormon! One of the weird Christians! No other Republican senator took their Constitutional oath seriously. They all put their hands on the Bible, swore to Me, and committed blasphemy exonerating Trump! Talk about not returning My favor of granting you all free will by using it responsibly! Why did I let humans evolve a big brain and critical thinking if so many of you would use it to look at Donald Trump’s big orange face, offensively phony hair, obviously false teeth, stubby little sausage fingers, that weird f***ing 45-degree angle his back is in when he’s standing up, his inability to think about anyone’s benefit but his own, his blatant incestual drooling over his daughter while he talks about porking her in public, his unambiguous con man ignorance of every aspect of his supposed Christian faith… I swear to Me, I could go on forever! The only person I designed to be more obviously satanic was Kenneth Copeland, and both their faces are almost equally terrifying! And these supposed worshippers of Me love him, too! That’s why there’s COVID-19. It wasn’t China who created it in a lab, it was Me! Let Me give a stark warning to all you humans: I am approaching Old Testament levels of fury! I suppose I have really let things get out of hand. Maybe you all need a new flood. There’s an idea… I must be really slipping in the all-knowing department, I guess, because I thought these Republicans were God-fearing! Why would I let Trump get impeached in the first place if I didn’t want him removed? Riddle Me that! Then I sent down COVID to really send home the point that Donald Trump was the Anti-Christ, but that didn’t take either! These Christians are not acknowledging the fact that literally no country on Earth is suffering worse than America. And you want to know why? All those other countries don’t have people voting for Donald Trump! So finally I sent two hurricanes simultaneously the same day Trump was giving his RNC speech, and I thought for sure these Evangelicals would get the hint after 8 years of blaming Obama for every hurricane and disease, but now suddenly My ways are too mysterious to interpret! Apparently My unmistakable disgust and hatred of Donald Trump is mistakable… Seriously, what the f***!?”
God lit a cigarette, and took a long drag.
“And don’t even get me started on climate change,” God continued. “Earth is one of My favorite planets, and you’re all ruining it. I gave you ungrateful apes so many pleasant things, like puppies, kittens, recreational drugs, orgasms, color vision, and ripe fruit, and this is how you thank Me? I intended for Earth to be green and blue, but you’ve cut down three-fourths of the trees, and polluted the skies and water. The oceans are supposed to be bountiful, but you’ve filled it up with plastic and oil spills! There’s so much trash that you humans have literally created continents of plastic. You know, if I had intended for there to be giant islands of garbage in the middle of the oceans, I would have put them there—I am the Monodeity after all! And don’t even get Me started on the acidification of the planet’s saltwater. But joke’s on you, it’s your planet! My supply of freshwater in Heaven is just fine, and the climate up there is perfectly stable!”
God took another long drag off his cigarette.
“And to think, I even tried to send Al Gore to fix everything up, but these conservative fake Christians refused to honor the popular vote victory and Florida majority I saw fit to ensure Gore got,” God went on. “America has lost literally two decades of progress on saving the planet for future generations. I hope conservatives are thankful for the unfettered free market when every last natural resource has been exploited and the planet becomes so inhospitable that cockroaches supplant you humans as the dominant species. Actually, f*** it, from now on, every conservative who continues to support Donald Trump and deny climate change is gonna get a cockroach infestation in their homes! And I’ll make the cockroaches two feet long, and give them razor sharp claws and teeth accompanied by an unquenchable thirst for human blood. Just remember that, you Trump-loving, climate skeptic morons! I can force you all off the continents that I allow you to live on, and you can go live on your trash islands. Better learn to like eating plastic real quick. Ha! Think of it as karma for all the sea animals with stomachs filled with plastic you’ve killed!”
God created a soy chai latte in His hand and took a sip.
“Honestly, I just can’t with you humans anymore. I just caaaaaant.”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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