Disgraced Evangelical leader Jerry Falwell Jr. has taken to Twitter to announce that God has forgiven him for his transgressions against Christian values.
The following are Mr. Falwell’s tweets:
“Listen, everyone, I know I’ve not lived up to the strict code of conduct I wrote for Liberty University students, but I have spent the last several days praying to Jesus and asking God for forgiveness. I can now report to all of you that God said me and Him are cool.”
“He said it wasn’t my fault, but that my wife Becki shoulders all the blame. Then Jesus chimed in and said that, just like Adam, my Eve had tempted me into the Devil’s arms with the evil fruit of voyeurism and sexual socialism. God told me that I was still a VIP for Heaven, but Becki maybe not so much.”
“God informed me that, because I’ve lived my entire life so devoutly while spreading His message, I get a free pass for a couple dozen or so sex scandals and fraudulent business deals misspending university money to pay off a few extortion schemes here and there.”
“Then Jesus told me it was ‘no biggie,’ and that Satan had tried the pool boy trick with Him plenty of times, but luckily He didn’t have a wife like Becki to betray Him like I did. So, as you can clearly see, I’m all good and forgiven!”
“Now, I know there are a bunch of libtard atheists out there who will say I’m making all this up, but they just don’t have faith so they could never possibly understand God’s grace. In fact, Jesus showed me a vision of all my atheist critics burning in Hell! But guess who wasn’t there? Me!”
“Then Jesus showed me a vision of me and all my supporters partying it up in Heaven on a yacht. We were all having the best time, and everyone had their pants unzipped and our arms around young women who aren’t our Judas wives! Jesus said that’s what Heaven is all about!”
“Then Jesus snapped His fingers and brought me back to Earth. But before He left my prayer session, He told me not to worry about all the Liberty students who got expelled for breaking the university’s rules like I did because they weren’t forgiven, only I was.”
“All the Liberty students who got in trouble for not abiding by the strict code of conduct knew they were sinning, unlike me, whose only sin was trusting my wife to behave like a Christian when she was serving the Devil instead!”
“So all the whore and slut Liberty students who got expelled, don’t bother trying to get back in… unless you send me some sexy photos on Instagram, then we can talk. I know a couple pool boys who’d love to see those!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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