Washington D.C.—
The Islamic terror group ISIS just announced a change in leadership in which current US Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell would take over control of all of ISIS territory as Caliph.
The following is the announcement issued by ISIS:
“Effective immediately, ISIS gives full control over all our Islamic freedom fighters to Mr. Mitch McConnell of the United States to command as he sees fit to destroy America. He has shown great promise and effectiveness in wrecking the United States internally by refusing to pass an effective COVID relief plan, and has accomplished much more success killing Americans than our best terror efforts. So many Americans are dying from COVID thanks to Republican executive and legislative failures that it’s like a 9/11 happening every single day in the US now. Well done, Mitch! We’d also like to congratulate him for his impressive work in the US Congress obstructing the plethora of ways in which Democrats have offered to improve American’s lives and solve social problems, and for bankrupting America perhaps irrevocably with senseless tax cut after tax cut sabotaging America’s budget decades into the future and severely limiting America’s future success. Mitch has been a terrorist hero of ours for a very long time, and we are excited to make him the Caliph of ISIS! He’s so good at making America stagnate all by himself, just imagine what damage he can do to the Great Satan America with our thousands of soldiers at his command!”
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