Before Voting Not To Allow Impeachment Witnesses, Ted Cruz Let Trump Teabag him

Washington D.C.—

The Halfway Post has just learned that, moments before heading to the Senate chamber in order to vote against allowing John Bolton to testify in the impeachment trial, Senator Ted Cruz went to the White House and let President Donald Trump dip his testicles into Cruz’s mouth repeatedly.

According to a White House aide who witnessed the interaction, Ted Cruz also licked around the President’s taint for a few moments, before giving him a vigorous rimjob.

The incident received little attention on social media, as America apparently stopped being surprised at Cruz’s behavior following the 2016 RNC Convention where Ted Cruz got up on stage and told Republicans to “vote your conscience” without having the guts to say how he really felt: that Donald Trump was a “sniveling coward” who humiliated him with insults for months.

Besides implying that Cruz’s wife was ugly and that his dad was good friends with Lee Harvey Oswald and possibly an accomplice to the JFK assassination, Donald Trump has said the following, very real* (not satirical) things about Ted Cruz:

  • “Lyin’ Ted”
  • “wacko”
  • “can’t function under pressure”
  • “not very Presidential”
  • “all talk”
  • “has accomplished nothing”
  • “liar”
  • “not a natural-born citizen”
  • “total hypocrite”
  • “very unstable person”
  • “a total fraud”
  • “single biggest liar I have ever dealt with in my life”
  • “he will lie about anything”
  • “he’s like a baby”
  • “soft”
  • “weak”
  • “for lying, he’s the best I’ve ever seen”
  • “he has no clue”
  • “he never employed anyone”
  • “he’s a nasty, nasty guy”
  • “he holds up the Bible and he lies”
  • “he’s got a mental problem”
  • “Cruz hates New York”
  • “he got nothing passed”
  • “unhinged”
  • “does not have the temperament to be POTUS”
  • “honestly, I think he’s crazy”
  • “he’s choking like a dog”
  • “we’ve got to put him away”
  • “pathological liar”
  • “he doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies”
  • “he lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth”
  • “I don’t want his endorsement, if he gives it I won’t accept it”
  • “worse than Hillary”
  • “how can Ted Cruz be an evangelical Christian?”
  • “single biggest liar”

[*Seriously, these are all things Trump has really said about Ted Cruz]

And now Ted Cruz has immortalized his life forever in association with the single worst vote the Senate has ever made in the history of the United States of America to not allow witnesses to Trump’s crimes testify in the impeachment trial.

Way to go, Lyin’ Ted.

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