Chattanooga, TN—
Televangelist Ritchie Waller of Chattanooga today used his streamed Internet church service to complain about the effect COVID19 was having on his church profits.
“I must say that mighty God’s mysterious plan sure has been extra mysterious lately!” Waller said after leading a short prayer. “This lack of having church services in-person has really put a dent in our collection hat proceeds! It turns out that the pressure of your friends and neighbors seeing how much you do or don’t donate keeps our profits high, but the anonymity of church donations going into our website’s Paypal account is making me suffer in ways I don’t believe God and Jesus Christ Himself would approve of! I want to ask some rhetorical questions to all of you, my faithful sheep. I am your shepherd, aren’t I? I look after all of you, and am graciously shepherding all of your souls to Heaven, aren’t I? So why are you not shepherding your full 10% into my bank account? Do you have any idea how expensive the taxes and gas are for my private jet? I can’t continue flying around the world in the stratosphere to be as close to God as I can physically get to pray for all of you if all of a sudden I stop being able to afford jet fuel! And champagne for the mini-fridges! And a new Japanese realistic sex robot I’m not yet sick of for the ride over the Atlantic! You know, I don’t do any of this for me. I only bought the private jet in the first place to pray for all of you while I’m up there. And to try and convert the wonderful heathen people of Ibiza, Mykonos, Bangkok, and Miami. I’m doing sacred work for Christ in all of these hubs of atheism. You wouldn’t believe how many sinners those cities have. I’m just trying to spread the love of Christ, you know? They really need it. These people stay up all night partying, and they drink for hours and hours while dancing, and are definitely not saving room for Jesus while they grind on the dance floor. The music is loud enough to disturb God Himself, and the girls all take their bikini tops off after about 3am, and, oh my Lord, the drugs are just unbelievable. They’re spectacular. The highs will last days at a time. But I can’t do my missionary work if you all stop donating. I won’t be able to afford to get to Mykonos at all! Let alone infiltrate the incredible Greek party scene with its bars and clubs right on the edge of the sea. Understand? So donate, donate, and donate some more! I’m suffering here, folks. I’m not sure what God is trying to do with this COVID stuff, but I have to say it’s very unlike him to let me suffer financially like I have been these months. Just because there’s some measly global pandemic and soaring unemployment doesn’t mean I have to suffer, too! So I want to say to all my fellow Christians, do what you have to do so my plane has enough fuel to get to Ibiza and back! Those topless, drugged up heathens are D.T.F.! Down to follow Christ! And I seriously need a new Japanese sex doll! I thought it would be fun to have a Mexican-looking one, but it turns out my little guy is secretly a racist!”
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