Washington D.C .—
President Donald Trump has always had a shaky grasp of Christian theology throughout his political carer, but his latest Bible gaffe has gone viral.
During a prayer breakfast event Mr. Trump was asked what his favorite story from the Bible was, and told the gathered congregation that he loved the story about Jesus building the ark.
The following is a transcript of Trump’s entire response:
“My favorite Bible story? Gosh, there’s so many to choose from I don’t even know where to begin. How could you pick just one? They’re all my favorites. I love them all. Great stories. Some of the best stories of all time. Maybe I’ll be in one some day. People always tell me they’d love it if I was in one. They say the Bible is great, and has great morals, but they’d like to see an Art of the Deal chapter. But Jesus knew a little about deals. He made some great deals. He made the deal for us all to get into Heaven. Great deal. Jesus made Heaven great just like I’m making America great. We’re a great team, me and Jesus. So maybe someday there will be a new Bible with me in it. Wouldn’t that be something? A new Bible? Trust me, no one wants that more than me. I’m one of the great Bible lovers of all time. I read it every day. I can barely put the Bible down I read it so much! You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but the Bible is actually very long. Very long. I thought Art of the Deal was long, but it’s not long like the Bible! Because the Bible has so many tremendous stories. But my favorite story? I think I’d have to go with the one where Jesus builds the ark. Who doesn’t love that one? The way Jesus built that ark, and led all the Jews out of Egypt on it, and out of slavery taught me so much. And he showed such incredible strength when he sent all the plagues down on the Egyptians for not believing in his stone tablets of the Ten Commandments. I think about that story all the time when I’m making big, beautiful deals for America. I think about Jesus looking out over the side of the ark waving goodbye to the Pharaoh as he sails for the Promised Land. And Jesus sitting down in the captain’s cabin and writing all the pages of the Bible by candlelight until the animals can be delivered to Bethlehem. And who could forget all the incredible adventures Jesus had along the way. Like the battle with the Cyclops, and the Trojan War that lasted for years and years. It’s just amazing how clever Jesus was to build the wooden horse and hide inside. Whenever I have a problem I ask myself what Jesus would do. That question always helps me figure out exactly what to do as president!”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Twitter here, Facebook here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.
From The Halfway Post vault: