Des Moines, IA—
Jesus Christ miraculously returned today, and when he toured Earth 2,000 years after his life and crucifixion, his first question stunned many of the Christian fans he had gathered around him.
“Who the fuck decided—how you say, ‘Christians’—didn’t have to be Jewish?” Jesus reportedly exclaimed. “When did I say you didn’t have to be Jewish? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t! I ate boring kosher food, I couldn’t eat pork or shrimp, and I even got my dick cut…and not at birth like you little snowflakes, I got mine cut at 13 like a real Jew! Seriously—was it Judas? Did Judas tell you all that you didn’t have to be Jewish. I bet it was Judas—that asshole.”
Several bystanders reportedly didn’t know what to say, so they waited for Jesus to talk again.
“And what’s this Catholic stuff? When did I do any of that stuff? The Vatican?! I was very clear—no, painfully clear—that you couldn’t be rich. Why doesn’t the Catholic Church just sell all their art and buildings and stockpiled gold and help the poor… you know, like I said to do. I was very clear about that. And what’s all this shit about Latin rituals. I don’t know who invented this stuff, but it seems to be getting in the way of sharing everything you have with the less fortunate, doesn’t it?”
The Catholics in the audience shuffled their feet.
“And don’t even get me started on evangelicals. Evangelicals are seriously messed up. I don’t remember saying that the kingdom of Heaven was only obtainable if you stopped using your brain. And, for the record, Donald Trump was a test by Me for all of you evangelicals, and you failed. Epically. You guys fell for the Antichrist, way to go. You know who didn’t fall for Donald Trump? Black churches. All you white evangelicals who are racist—and I know who you are—can think about that while you burn in Hell for a bit and black people get into Heaven first. You know what, scratch that. From now on the Kingdom of Heaven is ‘Blacks Only.’ Whites need not apply. Ha! You like that? Do you? Fucking racists.”
The evangelicals in the audience started to tear up.
“I swear to Me,” Jesus said. “Liberal atheists are straight up the moral center of America. They’re the only ones who give a shit about the poor and the sick anymore. Oh, and by the way, evolution is real, so quit it with this creationism thing. It’s like you idiots don’t believe Me and God are capable of coming up with natural selection. Some reverent children you are. Christians make me sick. And for real, start doing Jewish stuff or We’ll send down more pestilence. Think We won’t?! Think We won’t?! Try Us. Oh, and quit it with the polyester clothing, that wasn’t a fucking suggestion!”