Des Moines, IA—
Jesus Christ miraculously returned today, and, following a brief tour of Earth 2,000 years after his life and crucifixion, his first question stunned many of the Christian fans he had gathered around him.
“Who the f*** decided, how you say, ‘Christians,’ didn’t have to be Jewish?” Jesus reportedly exclaimed. “When did I say you didn’t have to be Jewish? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t! I ate boring kosher food, skipped out on shrimp and pork, and I never sat anywhere near where a menstruating woman might have sat! Seriously! Was it Judas? Did Judas tell you all that you didn’t have to be Jewish? I bet it was Judas—that asshole.”
Several bystanders reportedly didn’t know what to say, so they waited for Jesus to resume talking.
“And what’s this Catholic stuff? When did I do any of that gaudiness? Those robes, and gold everywhere at the Vatican… I was very clear—no, painfully clear—that you couldn’t be rich. Why does the Catholic Church have so much art and global treasures stockpiled? Why have they never sold any to help the poor? You know, like I said to do! And what’s all this crap you call Latin rituals. What the f*** is Latin? You’re going through all this trouble to pretend to preserve ancient traditions and rituals, and you won’t even do it in Hebrew or Aramaic like the Bible was passed down in? I’m literally insulted. And who the f*** designed the Pope’s hat? I didn’t! I don’t know who came up with all this pomp and pageantry, but it seems to Me to be getting in the way of sharing everything you have with the less fortunate, doesn’t it? And why do priests apparently think I went around diddling kids? At no point in the Gospels is it ever written I fondled little boys! None of My miracles involved pedophilia or life-long sexual repression! At no point did I ever sit down My Disciples from birth and make them tell Me every dirty thought and sin they ever committed, and use their life’s greatest guilts and their most repressed traumas to create a psychotic power dynamic where I have all the control and can then get away with diddling f***ing kids! For My sake! Why do so many cults pretending to follow My path inevitably turn into sex cults?”
The Catholics in the audience shuffled their feet.
“And don’t even get me started on Evangelicals. Evangelicals are seriously messed up. I don’t remember saying that the kingdom of Heaven was only obtainable if you stopped using your brain and went around claiming the Bible means whatever you want it to mean! And, for the record, Donald Trump was a test by Me for all of you Evangelicals, and you failed. Epically. You guys fell for the Antichrist, way to go. You know who didn’t fall for Donald Trump? Black churches. All you white Evangelicals who are racist—and I know who you are—can think about that while you burn in Hell for a bit. Black people know better than to vote for Republican worshippers of false idols like billionaires, fossil fuel corporations, and white supremacist demagogues. You know what? From now on, the Kingdom of Heaven is ‘BLACKS ONLY.’ Whites need not apply. Ha! You like that? Do you? F***ing racist Gentiles!”
The Evangelicals in the audience started to tear up.
“I swear to Me,” Jesus said. “Liberal atheists are straight up the moral center of America. They’re the only ones who give a s*** about the poor and the sick anymore. Oh, and by the way, evolution is real, so quit it with creationism. It’s like you idiots don’t believe Me and God are capable of coming up with natural selection. You think We’re too dumb to design a self-sustaining system of biology? Is that it? Some reverent children you are. Christians make me sick. And for real, start doing Jewish stuff or We’ll send down more pestilence. Think We won’t? Try Us! So no more shaking hands with women who are on the rag. They need to get on the roof and stay there reflecting on their filth until seven days are up, and then burn a couple turtledoves in offering to Me and God. One as a sin-offering acknowledging your terrestrial putrefaction, and the second burnt offering is to honor Our Heavenly magnificence. The two turtledove offerings are both individually very, very important to Me and God. If it’s not seven days, and it’s not two burned turtledoves, you’re all going to really regret it. Trust Me on this one. Oh, and quit it with the polyester clothing, that wasn’t a f***ing suggestion!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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