Des Moines, IA—
Jesus Christ miraculously returned today, and, after touring Earth 2,000 years after his life and crucifixion, his first question stunned many of the Christian fans he had gathered around him.
“Who the f*** decided—how you say, ‘Christians’—didn’t have to be Jewish?” Jesus reportedly exclaimed. “When did I say you didn’t have to be Jewish? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t! I ate boring kosher food, skipped out on shrimp and pork, and I never sat anywhere near where a menstruating woman might have sat! Seriously—was it Judas? Did Judas tell you all that you didn’t have to be Jewish? I bet it was Judas—that asshole.”
Several bystanders reportedly didn’t know what to say, so they waited for Jesus to talk again.
“And what’s this Catholic stuff? When did I do any of that shit? Those robes, and gold everywhere at the Vatican… I was very clear—no, painfully clear—that you couldn’t be rich. Why does the Catholic Church have so much art and gold and global treasures stockpiled? Why have they never sold any to help the poor? You know, like I said to do! And what’s all this crap you call Latin rituals. What the f*** is Latin? You’re going through all this trouble to pretend to preserve ancient traditions and rituals, and you won’t even do it in Hebrew or Aramaic like the Bible was written in. I’m literally insulted. And who the f*** designed the Pope’s hat? I didn’t! I don’t know who came up with all this pomp and pageantry, but it seems to Me to be getting in the way of sharing everything you have with the less fortunate, doesn’t it? And why do priests apparently think I went around diddling kids? At no point in the Gospels is it ever written I fondled little boys! None of my miracles involved pedophilia or life-long sexual repression!”
The Catholics in the audience shuffled their feet.
“And don’t even get me started on Evangelicals. Evangelicals are seriously messed up. I don’t remember saying that the kingdom of Heaven was only obtainable if you stopped using your brain and went around claiming the Bible means whatever you want it to mean! And, for the record, Donald Trump was a test by Me for all of you Evangelicals, and you failed. Epically. You guys fell for the Antichrist, way to go. You know who didn’t fall for Donald Trump? Black churches. All you white Evangelicals who are racist—and I know who you are—can think about that while you burn in Hell for a bit. Black people know better than to vote for Republican worshippers of false idols like billionaires, white supremacist demagogues, and fossil fuel companies. You know what? From now on, the Kingdom of Heaven is ‘Blacks Only.’ Whites need not apply. Ha! You like that? Do you? F***ing racist Gentiles!”
The Evangelicals in the audience started to tear up.
“I swear to Me,” Jesus said. “Liberal atheists are straight up the moral center of America. They’re the only ones who give a shit about the poor and the sick anymore. Oh, and by the way, evolution is real, so quit it with this creationism thing. It’s like you idiots don’t believe Me and God are capable of coming up with natural selection. You think We’re too dumb to design a self-sustaining system of biology? Is that it? Some reverent children you are. Christians make me sick. And for real, start doing Jewish stuff or We’ll send down more pestilence. Think We won’t? Think We won’t? Try Us! Oh, and quit it with the polyester clothing, that wasn’t a f***ing suggestion!”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!