Jesus Christ Returns, Demands To Know Who Decided “Christians” Didn’t Have To Be Jewish

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(Photo courtesy of Marc Witzel.)

Los Angeles, CA—

Jesus Christ miraculously returned today, and, following a brief tour of Earth 2,000 years after his crucifixion, his first question stunned many of the Christian fans he had gathered around him.

“Who the f*** decided, how you call ‘Christians,’ didn’t have to be Jewish?” Jesus reportedly exclaimed. “When did I say you didn’t have to be Jewish? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t! I ate boring kosher food, skipped out on shrimp and pork, and I never sat anywhere near where a menstruating woman might have sat! Seriously, who? Was it Judas? Did Judas tell you all that you didn’t have to be Jewish? I bet it was Judas—that asshole.”

Several bystanders reportedly didn’t know what to say. One of them offered the name of Saint Paul.

“Who the f*** is Paul? I don’t remember him in my Disciples. There were only twelve! If he had been there, I think I’d remember him! And what’s this Catholic stuff? When did I do any of that gaudiness? Those robes, and all the gold everywhere in the Vatican, what is that? It doesn’t look anything like my homeless-chic fashion style! And I was very clear—no, painfully clear—that you couldn’t be rich if you wanted to be my follower. What is the Catholic Church doing with so much art and global treasures stockpiled? And why are all the people in the paintings white? Do I look white to you? I was wandering around in the f***ing desert! And why are these Catholics never selling any of their treasures to help the poor? How many times do I have to tell you all to spend literally all your time and money helping out the poor? And what are all those creepy rituals? I never said you were literally eating my flesh! It was a metaphor! And what the f*** is Latin? If these ‘Catholics’ are going through all this trouble to pretend to preserve ancient traditions and rituals, why are they not even doing them in Hebrew or Aramaic? I am literally insulted. I don’t know who came up with all this pomp and pageantry, but it seems to Me to be getting in the way of sharing everything with the less fortunate, doesn’t it? And why do priests apparently think I went around diddling kids? At no point in the Gospels is it ever written I fondled little boys! None of My miracles involved pedophilia, or life-long sexual repression! And this confession business has really gotten out of hand. What is that about? At no point did I ever say to make people tell Me every dirty thought and sin they ever committed, and then use their life’s greatest guilts and most repressed memories to create a psychotic power dynamic where I have all the control and can use that power imbalance to get away with f***ing diddling kids! I need a shower just thinking about it. Why do so many cults pretending to follow My path inevitably turn into sex cults? Me Christ!”

The Catholics in the audience shuffled their feet.

“And don’t even get me started on Evangelicals. Evangelicals are seriously messed up. I don’t remember saying that the kingdom of Heaven was only obtainable if you stopped using your brain, and went around claiming the Bible means whatever you want it to mean! And, for the record, Donald Trump was a test by Me for all of you Evangelicals, and you failed. Epically. You guys fell for the Antichrist, way to go. You know who didn’t fall for Donald Trump? Black churches. All you white Evangelicals who are racist—and I know who every one of you is—can think about that while you burn in Hell for a bit. Black people know better than to vote for obvious worshippers of false idols like billionaires, fossil fuel corporations, and white supremacist demagogues. You know what? From now on, the Kingdom of Heaven is Blacks only! Whites need not apply. Ha! You like that? Do you? F***ing racist Gentiles!”

The Evangelicals in the audience started to cry.

“I swear to Me,” Jesus said. “Liberal atheists are straight up the moral center of America. They’re the only ones who give a s*** about the poor and the sick anymore. Oh, and by the way, evolution is real, so quit it with creationism. It’s like you idiots don’t believe Me and God are capable of coming up with natural selection. You think We’re too dumb to design a self-sustaining system of biology? Is that it? Some reverent children you are. And let’s get one thing straight… I never rode a dinosaur. If Romans were going around riding dinosaurs, don’t you think they’d be drawn on temples, vases, and mosaics? Christians just don’t use their brains anymore. And for real, start doing Jewish stuff or We’ll send down more pestilence. Think We won’t? Try Us! So no more shaking hands with women who are on the rag. They need to get up on the roof and stay there reflecting on their filth until seven days are up, and then only come down once they’ve burned a couple turtledoves in offering to Me and God. One as a sin-offering acknowledging your terrestrial putrefaction, and the second burnt offering to honor Our Heavenly magnificence. The two turtledove offerings are both individually very, very important to Me and God. If it’s not a full seven days, and it’s not two burned turtledoves, you’re all going to really regret it. Trust Me on this one. Oh, and quit it with the polyester clothing, that wasn’t a f***ing suggestion!”

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