Evangelicals Admit They’re Actually Very Envious Of Trump’s Totally UnChristian Lifestyle

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Raleigh, NC—

President Donald Trump earned the majority of the Evangelical vote in Election 2016, but his life, career and personal life could not serve as more of a foil for Christian morality.

However, this has not fazed Evangelical Trump supporters, and The Halfway Post reached out to some of them for this report on Trump’s stature in the Evangelical community.

“Donald Trump is the man,” explained Paul Henders of Durham, NC. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and kids, but, man, I really wish I could live like Trump for a day. I mean, did you read that In Touch interview with Stormy Daniels? She said that Trump promised her a role on The Apprentice—you know, so he could get away with banging her—and then Trump ended up giving the spot to adult film star Jenna Jameson. What a player! And come on, you know he was banging other adult film stars and promising them all they’d get that one spot on his show. Of course he was, Trump’s a total alpha! I wish I had the kind of money to cheat on my wife with a bunch of porn stars like Trump and get away with it!”

Other Evangelical Trump supporters were jealous of Trump’s home life.

“Trump didn’t raise any of his kids, so talk about living the dream,” said Richard Kelpy of Raleigh, NC. “I have six kids because my wife believes we should be contributing as many Christians to the world as we can so Islam can’t win, and I haven’t got a moment of peace and quiet for ten years. And she still wants even more kids! What I would give to live my life in a penthouse and just mail my wife checks so she can do whatever she wants with the kids, but away from me.”

Some found signs of God’s will in Trump’s net worth.

“If God didn’t like Donald Trump, God would not have allowed Trump to get so rich is all I’m saying,” said Liz Donner of Asheville, NC. “He must be very, very pious privately, indeed, because he barely gives back to society at all. I mean, even the Trump family’s charities are used like personal slush funds. The guy must be incredibly faithful and God-fearing for the Lord to let him get away with straight up laundering charity money into his own personal bank account!”

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(Picture courtesy of Bert Knottenbeld.)

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