Evangelicals Admit They’re Actually Very Envious Of Trump’s Totally UnChristian Lifestyle

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Raleigh, NC—

President Donald Trump earned the majority of the evangelical vote in Election 2016, but his life, career and personal life could scarcely serve as more of a foil for Christian morality.

However, this has not fazed evangelical Trump supporters, and The Halfway Post reached out to many of them for this report on Trump’s stature in the evangelical community. The following are their answers.

“Donald Trump is the man,” explained Paul Henders of Durham, NC. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and kids, but, man, I really wish I could live like Trump for a day. I mean, did you read that In Touch interview with Stormy Daniels? She said that Trump promised her a role on The Apprentice—you know, so he could get away with banging her—and then Trump ended up giving the spot to porn star Jenna Jameson. What a player! And come on, you know he was banging other porn stars and promising them all they’d all get that one spot on his show. Of course he was, Trump’s a total alpha! I wish I had the balls to cheat like Trump and get away with it.”

Other evangelical Trump supporters were jealous of Trump’s home life.

“Trump didn’t raise any of his kids, talk about living the dream,” said Richard Kelpy of Raleigh, NC. “I have six kids because my wife believes we should be contributing as many Christians to the world as we can so Islam can’t win, and I haven’t got a moment of peace and quiet for seven years. What I would give to live my life in a penthouse and just mail my wife checks so she can do whatever she wants with the kids, but away from me.”

Some found signs of God’s will in Trump’s net worth.

“If God didn’t like Donald Trump, God would not have allowed Trump to get so rich is all I’m saying,” said Liz Donner of Asheville, NC. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, camels and the eye of the needle and whatnot, but the fact of the matter is that God chooses everything. If Trump was really as selfish a person as people say he is, he would not be allowed to hoard so much wealth for himself. He must be very, very virtuous privately, indeed, because he barely gives back to society at all. I mean, even Trump’s charities spend large sums of money to hold events at Trump properties. The guy must be incredibly blessed to get away with straight up conning charity money and laundering it into his own personal bank account.”

The most thorny issue for evangelicals of Trump’s personal life is his fragmented family, due to his rampant marital cheating, but that doesn’t bother, ultimately, a majority of evangelicals.

“Trump has five children from three different women,” explained Michelle “Nana” Richards, of Chapel Hill, NC. “I would have totally expected that from somebody like Obama, who is a fake Christian. But Trump is a real Christian, so it just doesn’t bother me as much as if, like, Obama’s family had been like that. You know, I used to blame families that were cut and diced like that as being atheists, but Trump is, astoundingly, a deep Christian man whose most intimate philosophical ideas are all steeply based in Scripture and love for Jesus Christ as his personal lord and savior. You can tell that God is alway on Trump’s mind. The man probably spends all his day praying, I’m sure of it. I bet him and Mike Pence just get a big kick out of praying together every day. To be a fly on that wall… wow. Their discussions–to just listen to these Christian heroes explain how Jesus guides their destinies! And sharing their favorite stories from the Bible to inspire each other. I bet Trump knows every Bible story there is. He seems like a reader of the Bible to me, for sure. Probably every night. It’s obvious that Trump’s tweets are less about politics, and more about the New Testament. Liberals just can’t tell, because they’re all atheists. I believe God talks to Donald Trump for every decision he makes. You can bet God knows how important this time is. And it’s obvious Donald J. Trump is king of the nation, but that he keeps God as King above all. What a selfless man. …What I would give to be one of Trump’s ex-wives. Yowza, the alimony is probably epic. He could grab me by the—you know—whenever he wants.”

…These were awkward interviews to participate in, let us tell you.

(Picture courtesy of Bert Knottenbeld.)

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